Dating While Fat

Hair and Boots!

I had two wonderful things happen last Tuesday.  I got my hair done.  That's not earth changing, but this is me in 2003:

Then 2006:

Last week:

As you can see, I haven't had much change in style for a long time.  Just more gray, a foray into having a pink streak, and not cutting it.  It was the longest it's ever been, and I was very much into the naturally curly movement.

Here's what happened on Tuesday:

In my nightshirt, but it shows how short it is. I like it!  It moves, and it frames my face.  I washed it today and now it's in its wavy state.  I'm looking for some new products to use that will keep it moving and not be too stiff.

Here it is today:

Then, my order from 6pm.com came in, and whoa, I have boots!  These are from fitzwell and they are the first pair I've had in 30 years that I will wear. I have 19" calves, and these fit even though they say 17.75".  The rubber sole gives a bit and there's enough room for the thickness of my feet.  I think I could even wear socks or an insert, but not pants or thicker leggings.  There's the barest hint of arch support.

Sorry for the blurriness.  I couldn't wait to wear them out.  Finally I have comfy stylish shoes to wear with skirts in the winter.  Lately it's been difficult to find comfortable close toed shoes to wear with skirts that aren't flat mary janes (which I love).

Here's my whole outfit from today:

Gary Taubes--Fat Ally

You maybe seeing a lot of a link to a NY Times article about the evils of sugar.  Perhaps you didn't click on it, thinking it was all about dieting.  I will say if limiting the intake of certain categories of food could trigger you, then don't look.

I looked, only because my body prefers natural sugars over refined ones.  What impressed me was not so much the information in the article, which was mostly about insulin resistance (something I have) but Gary Taubes' behavior in the comments.  

One, he stayed with it, answering questions 3 or 4 days after the article was published.  Two, he then refuted people who said, "Eat less, exercise more" or that we were lazy, or the woman who said all her relatives smoked and ate like pigs and she's skinny so why can't everyone else.

I looked up his blog and found a funny dialogue:

The experts: Obesity is caused by over-eating, by consuming more calories than are expended. There’s no getting around the first law of thermodynamics.

Us: But all that law says is that if somebody gets fat, they have to consume more calories then they expend. So why do they do that?

The experts: Because they do.

Us: That’s not a good enough answer.

The experts: Well, maybe they can’t help themselves.

Us: Why can’t they help themselves?

The experts: Because they can’t.

Us: That’s not a good enough answer either.

The experts: Because the food industry makes them do it. There’s so much good food around and it’s so tasty, they can’t help but eat it.

Us: But obviously some of us can, because we don’t all get fat. Why is it only some people can’t help themselves?

The experts: Because they can’t.

Us: Try again.

The experts: Well, it’s complicated.

Us: What do you mean complicated? We thought it was easy. Just this eating-too-much, exercising-too-little, calories-in-calories-out, thermodynamics thing.

The experts: Okay, how about this? [Now quoting from an NIH report published in 2000.] “Obesity is a complex, multifactorial chronic disease that develops from an interaction of genotype and the environment. Our understanding of how and why obesity develops is incomplete, but involves the integration of social, behavioral, cultural, physiological, metabolic and genetic factors.”

Us: So what do all those have to do with eating too much and the laws of thermodynamics?

Experts: They contribute to making fat people overeat.

Us: How do they do that?

The experts: We don’t know. It’s complicated.

[This is where his theory is, which I don't take as The Truth, but it is something to think about.]

Us: Then maybe there’s another way to look at it. Maybe when we get fat it’s because those physiological, metabolic and genetic factors you mentioned are dysregulating our fat tissue, driving it to accumulate too much fat, and that’s why we eat so much and appear — to you anyway — to be kind of lazy. We’re compensating for the loss of calories into our fat.

The experts: Yeah, well, maybe. Your guess is as good as ours.

If you feel you can, read some of his blog.  His book titles are unfortunate.  I think he's a good ally, especially when experts try to lump us all into one bigfatlazy catetory.

 

Fat People Falling

I was thinking about starting to do some fat makeup videos on youtube, but before that I did a little search.  As I typed in "fat"--I was going for "Fat Makeup" thinking that the people I might be interested in would use the f-word.  This is what I found:

Yes, the first result is Fat People Falling.  How sad is that?  I know youtube is filled with the dumbest of the dumb videos, but I guess I was surprised that people were actually seeking our pain as entertainment.  At least "fat bottom girl" is there. *sigh*

Are there any fat makeup videos on youtube that you like?  He's not fat, but I really like gossmakeupartist.  He's a Brit so some products he recommends are not available in the US.  

Hello Fat-O-Sphere!

I'm so excited to be welcomed into the fat fold!  I've been involved in fat acceptance since 1981.  That's when I stopped dieting and read the pioneering Fat Is a Feminist Issue. I know some think it outdated but it was all I knew at the time.

I was on the Gabcafe as transend, am on livejournal as ocean_earth, and am also known as blissing lately. My name is Heidi.It's been a long journey!

I have two blogs on the feed, this one, which I started when I was dating and actively looking for a partner and a cooking blog, I Get To Cook. I have found a life partner at this point, but I decided to use this as my fat blog after realizing I really need the space to vent solely about FA stuff.

Hello everyone, fat on!

Big Mama Pantyhose--Blast From The Past

 

I remember when these came out in the '70s.  I liked that it showed some real women with real bodies, but I also felt ashamed that I was headed that way.  

I also remember in the early '80s someone announcing in a drugstore while I was in the pantyhose section, "I need a price check on Big Mama pantyhose."  

I just now, 30 years later, realized he was pointing me out, and not just making a joke.  I wasn't in Big Mama pantyhose's size range back then and it never occurred to me he was trying to tease me or possibly was attracted to me.  

The things that come to me while driving.

Amy Chua's Inferior Parenting=Abuse

When I read the first paragraph of Yale law professer Amy Chua's article, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, I couldn't believe it wasn't satire.

 Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover

•have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

Ms. Chua goes on to justify truly demented, abusive behavior.  After being called "garbage" by her father she now calls her daughters "garbage" when they aren't performing up to standards.  She is advocating abuse, plain and simple.  And as she includes billions of people from around the world in her style of parenting, then yes, I'm saying they're all abusive.

At least she notes how others reacted to her abuse:

When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

Why on earth would you tell people at a party that you called your daughter garbage? What arrogance. She is delusional as well as abusive to think that she is that superior.  And does she really think she called her daughter "garbage" in a loving tone of voice?  That underneath it all there was a tone of esteem and encouragement?  

She goes on:

Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image.

Oh really?  Ask my mother about that.  Oh wait, you can't because she died an early death, in part because of a decades-long eating disorder exacerbated by my Chinese grandmother's pressure to be perfect.  Then there's me--raised by my grandmother and receiving the same treatment.  Eating disorders again.  Luckily I have enough money to pay for years of therapy without which I would have killed myself years ago.

The academic pressure I received was also intense.  From the age of 4, I was meant to become a doctor and that was it. I think it was Amy Tan who said that only other Chinese people know that all those Chinese CalTech or MIT engineers are considered FAILURES by their parents for not becoming doctors.  I dropped out of college after 2 years, completely insecure of who I was or what I wanted.  Eventually my grandmother relented and sent me to art school, but not without guilt tripping and lamentations about how stupid I was for doing so.  I graduated without an ounce of self esteem and unable to pursue anything creative at the time.

I know of other Asian kids who have tried to commit suicide because they couldn't handle failure.  I know other adult children of Asian parents (ACAP?) who move cross country, or leave the country entirely to get away from their parents.  Asian Americans have a high suicide rate.

Chua writes of the time she declared war against her 7 year old daughter when she has a hard time learning a piano piece:

I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.  Jed [Chua's husband] took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her...I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

When her daughter finally learns the piece Chua says, "That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up."  Has she ever heard of the Stockholm Syndrome?  It's when victims paradoxically mistake a lack of abuse as an act of kindness and then express adulation and positive feelings toward their abusers.  Child abuse survivors know all about this.  When the person abusing you is also the one you depend on for your very survival, well, it really fucks you up.  Honestly I think Ms. Chua is a sociopath.

Lastly, why was this article in the Wall Street Journal?  This woman has written a book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  How?  Why?  I'm utterly dumbfounded and sad.  

 

 

 

Pick On Someone Your Own Age

I had a dream last night. My boyfriend and two other men were talking about online dating. They were all in their 40s and 50s. One of them mentions that his acceptable age range is up in the 50s. The other men gasp and are in shock.

It was funny, in the dream. It's a trend I noticed a long time ago, though. First, half the men, no matter how old they are, start their desired age range at 18. Yup, men in their 60s and older. Then, they might go up to 38 or so, especially if they want to start a family (adoption, anyone?). Some go into the 40s, and even if they go up to their own age, they almost NEVER want someone older than they are!

A few years ago a friend went out with a man in his early 50s. She was ~40 then. When she questioned him about his wanting a younger woman, he said, "Have you SEEN women in their 50s?" She managed to get through her dinner, somehow.

I've always been wary of men who wouldn't date women their own age, even if I was in their desired range. What are they afraid of?

Eharmony.com

Eharmony.com.  I used it way way back when it first started.  It did seem like the matches I got were better than random, but I was still being strung along.  If I didn't show my pictures at first, the guys would answer the different stages briefly and right when we got to the stage of showing our pictures, no more, nothing.  Thanks for letting me know about your insincerity sooner rather than later.

I've always been wary of people who have marriage as a goal.  I'm more into relationships that show up and seeing how far they can be taken, intimacy-wise.  A certain legal state doesn't play into whether I like a person or not.  

I may get married someday, but it won't be because of some moral ideal it represents.  If anything it'll probably be a much more practical type of joining for financial and legal rights.  Rights, by the way, that I believe should be completely detached from who my genitalia the government thinks I'm touching.  And the celebration?  Off the hook alternative, you better believe it.

Lose Weight BEFORE Dating? Why?

A friend recently said she was dieting because she wanted to start dating. I told her that there's never a shortage of men in my life. I'm much larger than she is. I know, quality matters, but really, I've never gone very long without some kind of male capturing my attention.

And at our age, it's ridiculous to compete in the arena of the 18-year-olds. I don't want to be held up for that kind of judgement. I'd rather be alone. I don't need all men to be attracted to me, one or two will do.

Be your beautiful self!

Where I've Been

Since my last post several years ago, I've let go of one relationship I was stuck on even though nothing was happening for 3 years straight!  Then one of the most intense, hard relationships in my life for one and a half years.  Really, the hardest thing I've ever done.  It was harder than even when members of my family died.  I lost a bit of weight then, which was hard to adjust to.  I was still fat.

Now I'm in a wonderful relationship with a guy who is the sweetest guy I've ever known and I'm happy.  And yes, I'm still fat.